For the past 4 years, ever since my brother went away to college, I literally could not wait to go away. The thought of being a college kid and having freedom to do whatever I want made me so excited; I honestly thought about it everyday. But now, my parents are gone and they left me here and all I can think about is home.
I miss my friends and family, I miss my room and bed, I miss my house and my comfy couches and backyard. All I want right now is to curl up on my parents bed and watch a movie with my brother and sister like my family used to do. I want to go back.
Today I woke up too late and missed breakfast. I left to get it at 9:30, but that was already too late. If I was home, my parents never would’ve let that happen. They would’ve either woken me up on time, or more likely, made me breakfast even if I was too late. But here, people just see me as some random kid who probably partied too hard so I slept late and missed it. They don’t even take the time to ask questions or apologize or give me another option. They just say no, judge me, and walk away. They think I’m just some kid who got here on pure luck and will probably drop most of my classes and graduate in 5-6 years. They see me and ask for my Binghamton number…I hate being viewed as a number, or a statistic, or as someone that others feel they have the right to judge. I miss being seen the way my family sees me, the way my friends view me. To them, I’m way more than a number or a random college kid.
I know the home-sickness will go away eventually, but to be honest, this beginning period, this time where I need to situated, it really sucks. I want to skip ahead to the point where I’m comfortable and happy here. To the time when I stop missing everyone to the point where it hurts. I want to move forward to the time when I have a set schedule and group of friends and I’m happy here. I want to be happy and sure that I made the right choice.
This really does suck. This whole college thing, the moving away, being on my own, having to take complete and total care of myself, and complete and total responsibility for everything I do. This whole college thing…I’m not a fan so far. Honestly, I miss my mom. I miss her nagging and telling me the same fricken things over and over, because so far, I’ve forgotten a lot. I miss my dad, and his paranoia. I miss him telling me over and over how dangerous the world is and how careful I should be everywhere I go. because the last thing he wants is to read on the news that his daughter was murdered or something, because so far, I’ve already gotten myself into a few sketchy situations and regretted it. I miss my brother and how protective he was. I miss him telling me to text him every time I move so he knows where I am and what I’m doing, God forbid something happened to me. I miss him telling me about the dangers of guys and the signs to look out for to see if a guy is sketchy or not, because so far, I talked to a few that fell under that category, and I wish he was here to stop me. I miss my sister. I miss her borrowing my clothes without asking and barging into my room to tell me a story that I said I didn’t care about, yet secretly I want to know, because so far, all my clothes are present and every story I’ve heard, I legitimately didn’t care and wanted them to shut up.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my home. I miss my town. I even miss my high school. I want to come home. I know that I can’t, and I need to suck it up because everyone goes through this and it’s all apart of growing up, but I don’t really want to. I know that I’m ready, and one week ago, I would’ve killed to be here right now, but now that I fully comprehend all that college entails, I’d kind of like to go back and have some more time home first. So if we could quickly turn back the clocks, give me a better warning, and let me properly prepare, that would be wonderful.
But I know that’s not an option. So here I am, sitting in my dorm and college, and I’m putting on a happy face, so everyone thinks I’m good. Here I am, at my computer, typing all this out, hoping someone sees it and comes here to get me. Here I am, but here, I don’t want to be.