My big brother, Kyle. I love him with everything in me and I cannot imagine my life without him. However, I don’t understand how he could lead me in such a poor direction.
He left college after 3 1/2 years…he couldn’t handle it, so he came home to finish up close to home. He couldn’t handle the 4 years. Kyle, the one who was so independent, didn’t want anything to do with his family, went out every night he could, just to avoid us. That Kyle, he couldn’t handle 4 years of college. However, I, the daughter who would go out to dinner with her parents, while my other two siblings went out with their friends. The daughter who would say “no, I don’t need to bring a friend,” while her brother and sister would ask to bring alone 2 or 3, to the annual family reunion. I’m the daughter who would tell her parents almost everything, the one who would text them all the time when I went out so they knew I was safe. The one who would leave the parties early just because I was craving laying on my couch. I’m the daughter who watched movies alone with my parents and would always volunteer to go to the store with them, just to grab some extra bonding time. Yet I’m the daughter that they just dropped off and left at some random building, with random people, and they expected me to just live and be happy. I’m the daughter that they all expect to be the successful one and can handle college with no problem. Why exactly do they think I’m that daughter. I couldn’t have been more attached to my home, and now it’s all gone…and I’m supposed to be okay with that.
My brother couldn’t handle it. I know that I’m not Kyle, and that I’m strong, but I also know that he’s strong, and that we have way more in common than people like to admit. If I’m not quite as strong as he is, and we have a lot of similar habits/hobbies/ideals, then how am I supposed to survive here? What are my parents and family/friends thinking? Why on earth did they send me away?
I don’t know what the future holds here at Bing, but I sure hope that the pain I’m feeling right now isn’t part of it. Cause as of now, I’m just about ready to call that cab home.
For the past 4 years, ever since my brother went away to college, I literally could not wait to go away. The thought of being a college kid and having freedom to do whatever I want made me so excited; I honestly thought about it everyday. But now, my parents are gone and they left me here and all I can think about is home.
I miss my friends and family, I miss my room and bed, I miss my house and my comfy couches and backyard. All I want right now is to curl up on my parents bed and watch a movie with my brother and sister like my family used to do. I want to go back.
Today I woke up too late and missed breakfast. I left to get it at 9:30, but that was already too late. If I was home, my parents never would’ve let that happen. They would’ve either woken me up on time, or more likely, made me breakfast even if I was too late. But here, people just see me as some random kid who probably partied too hard so I slept late and missed it. They don’t even take the time to ask questions or apologize or give me another option. They just say no, judge me, and walk away. They think I’m just some kid who got here on pure luck and will probably drop most of my classes and graduate in 5-6 years. They see me and ask for my Binghamton number…I hate being viewed as a number, or a statistic, or as someone that others feel they have the right to judge. I miss being seen the way my family sees me, the way my friends view me. To them, I’m way more than a number or a random college kid.
I know the home-sickness will go away eventually, but to be honest, this beginning period, this time where I need to situated, it really sucks. I want to skip ahead to the point where I’m comfortable and happy here. To the time when I stop missing everyone to the point where it hurts. I want to move forward to the time when I have a set schedule and group of friends and I’m happy here. I want to be happy and sure that I made the right choice.
This really does suck. This whole college thing, the moving away, being on my own, having to take complete and total care of myself, and complete and total responsibility for everything I do. This whole college thing…I’m not a fan so far. Honestly, I miss my mom. I miss her nagging and telling me the same fricken things over and over, because so far, I’ve forgotten a lot. I miss my dad, and his paranoia. I miss him telling me over and over how dangerous the world is and how careful I should be everywhere I go. because the last thing he wants is to read on the news that his daughter was murdered or something, because so far, I’ve already gotten myself into a few sketchy situations and regretted it. I miss my brother and how protective he was. I miss him telling me to text him every time I move so he knows where I am and what I’m doing, God forbid something happened to me. I miss him telling me about the dangers of guys and the signs to look out for to see if a guy is sketchy or not, because so far, I talked to a few that fell under that category, and I wish he was here to stop me. I miss my sister. I miss her borrowing my clothes without asking and barging into my room to tell me a story that I said I didn’t care about, yet secretly I want to know, because so far, all my clothes are present and every story I’ve heard, I legitimately didn’t care and wanted them to shut up.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my home. I miss my town. I even miss my high school. I want to come home. I know that I can’t, and I need to suck it up because everyone goes through this and it’s all apart of growing up, but I don’t really want to. I know that I’m ready, and one week ago, I would’ve killed to be here right now, but now that I fully comprehend all that college entails, I’d kind of like to go back and have some more time home first. So if we could quickly turn back the clocks, give me a better warning, and let me properly prepare, that would be wonderful.
But I know that’s not an option. So here I am, sitting in my dorm and college, and I’m putting on a happy face, so everyone thinks I’m good. Here I am, at my computer, typing all this out, hoping someone sees it and comes here to get me. Here I am, but here, I don’t want to be.
You and me seem to be so similar; we have so much in common.. everyone gets us confused. But if they were to look closer, they would see we’re really nothing alike. The way we view the world and the way we respond are nothing alike whatsoever. It’s almost insulting that people would think we’re the same, because when I look at you, I see all the qualities that I don’t want to have…the qualities that I hate in others. I wish people would stop saying how much we’re alike; I wish they’d stop comparing us and looking for every similarity we have. I wish they would stop comparing me altogether and just accept that I’m me, my own person, and that’s all. Pleas, just see me for me. For who I am, and not who I’m like. If they would only look a little bit deeper. If they would take a moment to see the real me.
If only I would let them.
“Only as high as I reach can I grow
Only as far as I seek can I go
Only as deep as I look can I see
Only as much as I dream can I be”
My first post
So, I’m not usually a very open person but I figure this would be a good place to start. Props to Rayykarmzz for helping me get this.. I’m excited to start posting…and will probably do it way too often, but at least I finally have a good place to go when I need to vent. So thanks for listening guys. :)